Washed Away!

A friend has just come back from holidaying in Tenerife.
She went swimming in the pool on the first morning while her hubby sat on a sunbed reading. She decided when she had had enough to get out of the pool and get a drink from the bar so shouted to hubby to see if he wanted one.
'Good God woman whats wrong with your legs?' he shouted across the pool.
Looking down she could see what looked like black spots about the size of a penny all over them.
Turns out that they were the black polka dots off her new swimsuit which had somehow come loose and slid down.
Looking over the pool she could see others floating in the water and attaching themselves to other swimmers.
Exit one very embarrassed friend.
That will teach her for buying cheap cozzies!!

Things That Go Bump In The Night!

Because of a medical problem I had four months where I could not sleep at night.
Wierd things happen at night when everybody else is tucked up asleep.
Including 3 police cars and an ambulance parked a few doors away. They broke into an old ladies house but she was on holiday.
The following week police again breaking into another house but this time they discovered a cannabis farm. I thought it smelt funny when I stood at the bus stop!
Then another night a girl was screaming and sobbing and banging at the front door with a big metal bar. Turns out she was drunk and thought her dad had locked her out of the house for coming home late when in actual fact she had gone up the wrong path to the next door neighbours. Poor old couple were too scared to come down when they heard some maniac breaking their front door down.
One of the funniest was the night I thought I heard somebody walking slowly up the road stopping every so often then walking a bit further. I decided it was again a girl/woman who was a bit the worse for drink tottering home. But when this went on for some time her heels clip clopping then stopping I again got up to look out of the window only to see a horse eating grass on the kerb? I have no idea where this horse came from as we live on a fairly large housing estate with no farm etc close.
I rang the police to let them know. As it was 4.30 in the morning I am not sure the police lady I spoke to thought I was hallucinating or not but eventually she said she would send out a patrol car to secure the horse incase it caused an accident.
But funnier still was one very wet and windy night about 3 o'clock when I got up to close the window a little only to see a man sitting on the garden wall a few houses away wrapped up, I think, in a blanket with a fishing rod, fishing in the neighbours very small garden pond???

X.Factor

I feel sorry for Danyl, he was probably the most talented all rounder. Joe obviously has a perfect voice and will be amazing on stage in musicals, Olly is cute and good to watch but only really has an ok voice and Stacey has gotten boring now they try to make her do the big voice thing.
I dont think the other judges, particularly Miss Perfect Cheryl were very fair on Danyl for the first weeks and that kind of prejudiced the public against him so he did not get the votes he deserved.
Probably should not worry too much though after all JLS did not win but they are doing alright for themselves now!!!

At The Bus Stop Again!

Does anybody know who owns the Audi with the number plate of N3 FUT? White with black markings. Roughly 90k's worth.
I thought it might be a football player who plays for a North West team.
The car was parked on double yellow lines for about half an hour right in the bus stop lane in the main road of the city so that the busses could not get to the kerb.
The owner eventually came out of a building society just as I was taking a pic of his car on my phone (whoops caught red handed) and asked me to lend him ten pence which I gave him, no idea what he wanted it for???
I would describe him as around 5ft 7" a bit stocky, black hair and possibly of Eastern origin.
Any ideas who he could be? I hate mysteries!

Get Fit!

So I decided to try something to get fit, but what? Not swimming because I dont like getting my face wet, except in the bath or shower but that's different. Not squash or badmington because my eyesight is so rubbish the ball or cock or whatever will hit me in the face before I can see it.
I had the miraculous laser surgery on my eyes so that I could see the time on the clock in the mornings, which I can but unfortunately not much else. Has anybody else had trouble with laser correction or is it just me? I wish I had never listened to all those sports personalities on the advert!
Jogging was out of the question after the bus episode and I did not fancy anything where you have to wear lycra as that would not be a pretty sight!
So I decided on yoga. It sounded nice and gentle but would also do the trick and turn me into a fit, supple goddess.
Dragged the other half with me for moral support armed with an exercise mat and a bottle of water (I saw everybody else with a bottle so thought I had best get one too.) and dressed for the occassion we entered the local sports centre.
The room where it was all to take place was next to the judo room on one side and on the other side it was karate.

We started off with a few warm up exercises and then progressed to some strange shapes, Most of the others there had obviously been before and knew what they were doing, unlike me and the other half who had difficulty balancing bending and focusing?

Was rather embarrasing when we had to lie on our backs and lift our legs up and over our heads to touch the floor because the other half let out an extremely loud fart! which started me giggling but nobody else seemed to think it was funny.

Anyway at the end of the session we had to relax lie on our backs and imagine ourselves on a beach with the sun on our faces, the sound of the water lapping on the sand etc etc. I can't relax at the best of times but when on our beach we could hear the loud shouts and AAAgggghhh's coming from the next rooms where they were busy breaking concrete slabs and stuff, well there was no way i could concentrate. Then to make matters worse the other half had concentrated so hard he had fallen asleep and started snoring, non too quietly, which in turn started me giggling again.
I tried to stop, really I did, but you know what its like when you really can't stop laughing and tears are rolling down your face!?
On our way out the yoga instructor came up to us and said that she really thought yoga was not for us and maybe we would like to join one of the other more energetic keep fit classes.
Can't believe we got kicked out of yoga after just one night!

BUS STOP!

Last week I came out of a shop laden with shopping bags and saw my bus at the bus stop! Damn I thought if I miss it I will have to wait another 40 minutes.
So I started to run! Weighed down by the bags this was not easy. Why if you are in a rush do the people walking in front of you suddenly stop dead? Twice in the 100 yards I had to run this happened and I crashed into the people who gave me daggers because obviously it was my fault. Anyway apologising and edging round them I struggled on only to be ploughed into by an o.a.p doing 50 mph on the pavement in one of those mobility scooter things. OUCH!
By the time I picked myself and the bags up I was bright red in the face, sweating and feeling like I was having a heart attack (so unfit), but the bus was still there so I kept going.
Finally made it and I launched myself onto the bus before they had time to close the doors in my face and wheezing heavily asked the driver for a single ticket.
"Sorry luv I'm not going anywhere the bus has broken down and I am waiting for the tow truck".
Exit one red faced very embarrased me as I realised nobody else was on the bus and they were all in the bus queue watching me make a prat of myself. Bugger!!!
Note to self 'Get fit'.

A Funny Thing happened At Work Today!

Working in a GP surgery can be funny. sad, busy, maddening but never boring!

A young boy arrived for his pre school booster. Our nurse got the needle ready and talking nicely to him said 'just a little prick' to which the boy laughed and replied 'thats what my dad says i've got!'.

An elderly gentleman patient attended a+e as he had swallowed his false teeth. The nurses at the hospital told him not to worry as nature would take it's course. The following day he arrived at the surgery to see the doctor as he was afraid the teeth might bite him in the bum!

The secretary from the memory clinic rang to say that one of our patients had missed three appointment so would not be sent for again unless the gp requested. We got in touch with her to find out why she had not attended. Her answer was 'I forgot'.

We have lots of patients with the same name as well known people and celebrities for example Michael Cain, Des O'Connor, Michael Jackson, Harold Wilson etc. We alsodhad a patient named George Cross who married a Victoria!
Laughed this morning when an a+e report came in for a young boy by the name of Billy Elliott. The problem title said he had twisted his ankle and further on where it explains what had happened it said 'whilst dancing'.

Mighty Mouse

It all started on Christmas Eve. We had been out to a friends for a drink and to sing carols (well we call it singing if you heard it you might call it something else).

We got back home did all the last minute jobs in preparation for the following day including the usual drink and mince pie left out for Father Christmas. This then started an argument about what to leave out for the reindeers and how did we know they liked carrots?

Eventually we made it to bed.

At 3.30 in the morning I was woken by a loud screaming coming from the daughters bedroom. What an earth was wrong she sounded hysterical. I tried shaking and pushing the husband awake but as usual it was me who ended up running in to her.

I clicked on the light to find her wrapped up in her duvet standing on the windowsill screaming and pointing in the direction of her desk.

In amongst the piles of books and games beneath the desk were sweets and chocolates, pressies from other kids in her class.

Turns out she had heard rustling coming from a packet of marshmallows and thought something was alive in it. I eventually calmed her down and told her she must have been having a dream and not to worry about it.

Unfortunately a couple of days later the same thing happenend again! This time I kicked the husband out of bed as it was his turn. Half an hour later and the screaming was still going on plus the husbands voice shouting obscenities and a lot of banging so I went to see what was happening.

Turned out that there was a mouse who had made a hole in the marshmallow bag and had pulled one out and ran across the daughters face on its escape route.

This was one really clever mouse. We tried everything to find and catch it but it lived in our house for months. Problem was we only ever heard it at night when it was quiet and it was never in the same place. The bodybuilder son was not too keen on sleeping when a mouse was on the loose either??? He started sleeping in hats and a zipped up sleeping bag incase it came out into his room, which it did as the nibbled mars bar proved. Then it left its mark down in the kitchen when packets of soup etc were bitten into.

Now I love animals and even though this mouse was a pain in the arse I did not want it dead just out of our house, so we bought the mouse traps that did not harm them just caught them.

Cheese and mars bar was put in them, one in each bedroom, one in the bathroom, kitchen and living room. In the morning we would check each trap but no mouse! What a clever mouse though because the cheese and mars bar would always be missing but no trapped mouse in its place.

One day he was spotted running down the stairs. The husband, son and daughter all in pursuit. He was so small but far too fast for them and again they lost him.

All this went on for weeks and weeks. One night number one son found tell tale signs that the mouse had been in his protein shake powder!! (see My Bodybuilding son) Well now it was all out war. Scared that the mouse would put on more muscle than him he decided to stay up at night with torches and cameras to work out where he came from, where he went and how best to catch him once and for all.

Finally one night in April 'Mighty Mouse' was caught. The husband and the bodybuilding son secured him in the living room. All doors and windows were sealed and armed with every conceivable utensil and tool known to man they proceded to catch him.
75 minutes later after what sounded like a herd of elephants being rounded up in my front room the door finally opened. The husband was holding a small plastic bin with a lid on and inside was mouse.
Behind him the room actually looked like elephants had trampled it. The furniture was all over the place on its sides, newspapers were scattered everywhere? The curtains were off the rails and strewn everywhere and amongst it all the bodybuilding son was sitting on the floor hair plastered to his face with sweat having probably lost pounds in the chase (so much for his wanting to put on weight).
I said goodbye and good luck to Mighty Mouse and made the husband drive up into the country lanes to let it loose.

The Daughter

We have had all sorts of pets over the years, dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, rats even a squirrel.

Obviously there comes a time when we have to say goodbye to them and the normal usual thing was to bury them in the garden. (once they had died or course), but the daughter suddenly decided she did not like this.

The husband spent a good hour out in the garden digging a grave for one of the guinea pigs, lowering in the cardboard coffin and covering it over again. All of us going out to the funeral , the daughter putting down a wooden ice lolly stick cross with the pets name on it and us all saying goodbye. At this point I have to tell you that it was the middle of November and the weather was atrocious. Anyway we all got on with whatever we were doing when the daughter suddenly in floods of tears shouted dig him back up, dont leave him out there in the cold for the worms to eat him!

Nothing we said was of any use we could not change her mind so off out again went the husband to dig up the guinea pig again.
So what next what were we to do with a soggy cold husband and a soggy muddy box containing one dead guinea pig? She decided it would be better to have it cremated and the ashes put into a small urn like she had seen happen on tv programs.
The following day the husband was seen out in the garden, again, firing up the B-B-Q! He got a few strange looks from neighbours as you can imagine with it being November.
Anyway five times over the years the old B-B-Q has been rolled out for a cremation service and five small recepticles now have pride of place on the mantlepiece.

Do any other familys have to go through this or is it just mine?

The Bodybuilder Son

Is there anybody else out there who has a bodybuilding son?

Convinced that the body he has is all wrong he decided to do something about it. Now what you have to know to begin with is that this son is 6 feet 5 inches tall (no idea in centimetres etc as I am not metric, which gives you a clue as to how old I am) and stick thin just like myself and his dad was at his age.

Money was spent on converting the garage into a gym complete with everything that the next Mr Universe could possibly need. Next it was powders and potions from America which arrived by the box load. The parcel delivery man Stan got to know us very well as did we him (but thats another story). Gradually these things spread throughout the house, first his bedroom, next the kitchen, then the attic and the garden shed. Everywhere you looked boxes with pictures of oiled men with muscles on top of their muscles smiled back at you saying look at me wouldnt you like to look like this? Well obviously I would not but number one son was desperate to be like them and so it began.

Workout schedules were written, food plans were sorted and plastic tumblers of protein shakes were permanently attached to his hand. Weekly measurements had to take place with scales, tapes and fat pinchers? Of course there was never any fat to pinch but this was best not talked about.

Number one son was not the only person in our household who consumed the protein powder, oh no the mouse did too!( If you want to know about him you will have to read about 'Mighty Mouse').

At this present moment in time three years on and the schedule is eat every 2 hours either chicken and rice or tuna and rice. Sixteen eggs for breakfast(but just the whites. Can anyone give me any ideas as what we can do with egg yolks?) and porridge that is so thick that it dries like cement on the dishes. The eating seems to start at 8.00 in the morning and goes on into the middle of the night.

Any social life has to be between meals and visits to the gym. That is a gym a couple of miles away because he needs a partner to SPOT him and nobody in the home gym can manage this??
If anyone has any spare money out there Sainsbury shares would be a good bet because number one sons food bill will keep that shop going!
How long will this go on for? How long can he keep it up?(the routine I mean obviously) and can he ever achieve the perfect body. Lots of questions to which I have no answers.
I feel totally isolated in this as I dont know of any other parents who have a similar problem son, and trust me it is a problem!

Anyone out there know what I am putting up with?